Tonight I update our family blog with a heavy heart.
I want to begin by saying that I only post this because I feel like the more I say it, share it, re-tell it, the better I begin to feel and hurt less. I'm not posting to attract sympathy or attention. Please know this as I share.
Two weeks ago on Sunday (4/18), I took an at-home pregnancy test on a whim. I hadn't been feeling too great and was late and thought,"Eh, why not?!" Ten seconds and one empty bladder later my eyes grew as wide as saucers. This one actually said....pregnant. "Could it be?", I thought. "Now?! Oh my goodness...."
I walked into our bedroom slowly and kind of tossed the test on to the bed towards Jeremy and said, "Look", then walked out of the room. I guess I thought it was going to change...lol.
So needless to say this event was a welcomed surprise. :) Once we got passed the shock and awe, we were ecstatic. I began searching for furniture and bedding on-line, thinking about the new living arrangement, and quickly fell completely in love with this child, all in one week.
I had my first Dr. appointment on Wednesday (4/21). They only drew bloodwork and talked with me about pregnancy do's and don'ts. The nurse said they would contact me if there was anything negative concerning my bloodwork. I was really beginning to feel the usual nausea and mild cramps. I thought to myself, "This is for real. I am really going to be a mom!"
On Sunday (4/25), I woke up feeling cramps more than I had in the past week and a half. I also noticed that I was beginning to menstruate (not spot). I panicked and called my mom who directed me to call my Dr.'s office. The nurse on-call told me to take it easy the whole day, kick my feet up, visit the ER if any of my symptoms became severe, and to call my doctor for an appointment the next day. Throughout the day, my symptoms worsened and improved and by bed time I was beginning to feel better. Eventhough my symptoms would become worse during certain times of the day, none of my symptoms became severe or alarming enough to visit the ER.
Monday morning I woke up and immediately made an appointment with my doctor. I was to go in for an ultrasound and bloodwork at 1:15pm. During the ultrasound, the not-so-sympathetic lady kept pointing out where all my reproductive parts were at but never once pointed out where my child was at. I looked at my mom with fear and said, "Mom....I don't see anything. Is there something wrong?"
After this lady so insensitively pointed out the fact that there was obviously not a child in my womb, my mom and I were taken to a room where we waited for the nurse and doctor to come in. My nurse walked in and looked at me with a sorrow-filled heart. She informed me that I was at the end of a miscarriage.
I have to say that this is by far the worst sorrow and sadness I have ever felt. As soon as I knew that I was no longer carrying our first child I became overwhelmed with this huge feeling of emptyness. I felt like something was missing. Eventhough I was only a mere six weeks pregnant I was beginning to feel like I had known this child my whole life. I loved him/her so much already.
Eventhough I am going through one of the hardest things I will ever encounter in my life I somehow still feel so blessed. First of all, I am not going through this alone. I have the love, support, and encouragement of my sweet and wonderful godly husband, Jeremy. My LORD and Savior Jesus Christ is with me in all of this healing my heart and mending my soul. I have an amazing family who loves me and is constantly praying for me. Second, I was told that surgery was not going to be required in order to get my body past this. For this I am grateful. Lastly, I have the future hope knowing that I can get pregnant. I feel blessed to know this piece of information considering some women in our world are not able to concieve. With this hope, someday we will try to bring another child into this world. When? We don't know that. Only the LORD does.
Please pray for us in the following ways.
1) That God will continue to heal our hearts.
2) That one day God will bless us with children.
3) That we will continue to seek His will and plan through all of this.
4) That if God wants to use my experience to help women who miscarry in the future that I will accept his commandment with an open heart.
5) That my future pregnancy will be healthy, full-term, and a happy time for all.
Thank you for reading. Let us know if there is anything we can pray for reguarding you, your family, and your everyday life.
Jeremy and Blair Ballard